Sydney and I have known each other for twenty years. I spent a lot of time at her house when I was a teenager and I have distinct memories with every member of her family. Though we now live in different parts of the country, I remember Sydney as a bright person that liked to have fun with her family. Sydney lives and works in Arizona. She enjoys having the freedom to work from home and often hikes through the hills behind her house. She spends as much time as she can with her three sisters and twin brother. I have truly appreciated her candor with me as we discussed tender memories. As of 2017, before they even had the chance to turn 30, Sydney and her siblings experienced the death of both parents. Despite the challenges that come with losing your parents, Sydney and her siblings have a positive outlook on life. Sydney's thoughts have helped me understand why perseverance is an important quality to acquire and have inspired me to be grateful for all of the things I've been gifted. I hope her message touches you and encourages you, whatever you are facing now.
As a child, Sydney had a very happy home. Family time was important to the Mildenhalls and they chose to spend much of their time together. Many of their vacations as a family were family camping trips. Sydney fondly remembers, “For mine and my brother’s 7th birthday, I remember spending it in Moab, Utah with my mom making peach cobbler in the Dutch ovens and going to listen to storytellers by the fireside in the evening. My parents cultivated a love of the outdoors in all of us kids. I also remember my mom making a make-shift shower for us while we were camping and boiling some water over the fire so we didn’t have to take freezing showers”. As Sydney grew older, her parents were warm and welcoming to all of the friends she and her four siblings invited over. Sydney says, “...my parents had a way of making it feel like home for everyone. I loved spending time at home and that was the place where I knew I was always safe and loved no matter what”. With the love that Ben and Sheryl cultivated at home with their children, it was easy to teach their children to share it with those in need. She reflects, “My parents were always serving and encouraging us to participate in any type of service we could. We cleaned the church every time it was our ward’s turn to do it, we helped at the Ronald McDonald house, we helped our ward paint houses. My parents had a few of my aunts and uncles live with us at different points. And they were very involved with missionary work and would do things like find out what certain missionaries did for holiday traditions and incorporate them into our holiday when they were over. They were always thinking of and loving those around them”. Life for the Mildenhalls was not without challenges, but it was also joyful.
Then, in 2005 when Sydney was just 16, the Mildenhall home was changed forever. Ben had gone to play basketball with some friends after dropping his children off at seminary (a church class) and while playing, suddenly collapsed and passed away. Sydney remembers, “When seminary got out we found our mom waiting for us out in the car. She seemed like she was in a rush and told us once we were in the car that something happened with dad and he had collapsed. I remember being worried but thought to myself ‘he’ll be fine’. My dad was always very active and healthy, so I just assumed this was some one-time thing and he’d be okay by the next day. My mom took us home and gathered my brother, my two younger sisters, and me into the living room to have a family prayer for dad. That is when I started feeling a little more worried because I could hear the worry in my mom’s voice. She had a close friend from church come over to our house to stay with us and she headed to where my dad was playing basketball to
meet the ambulance and follow them to the hospital. Meanwhile, we were at home waiting to hear anything from my mom. Our family friend that was with us finally got a call from my mom telling her to bring us all to the hospital...We got to the hospital and they brought us into a room where my mom was...I remember all four of us kids (because my older sister was still at outdoor lab) all sitting together on one big arm chair as my mom knelt in front of us and took our hands and had to tell us that our Dad had passed away...It’s hard to describe the feeling of receiving that kind of shocking news. It was like a physical blow and hard to process that such a big part of your life is now just gone in an instant. The rest of the day just kind of felt like a daze. My mom had gotten ahold of the teachers at outdoor lab that were with Charlene and she had to tell my sister what happened over the phone. One of the teachers immediately left to bring Charlene to the hospital (it was about an hour away). One blessing was that Charlene had a good friend with her at outdoor lab that had lost her father, so she was able to provide some comfort to Charlene. We waited at the hospital until Charlene got there and then we all went into the room where my Dad’s body was to say goodbye and we had another family prayer. Two close friends helped give me and all of us children priesthood blessings. The spirit was so powerful in that room and I felt love and peace in that moment”. The emotional work to process such devastating news surely took a toll on the Mildenhalls. Even for Ben, though on the other side of the veil, must have felt the sadness of being separated from his dear wife and children. Thankfully the remaining Mildenhalls had each other and they clung to each other as they grieved.
Though emotions spiked on that very first day and throughout the following days and weeks, there was still so much more for their family to process together. Sydney says, “We had SO much support through the whole funeral process. But when the craziness of that was over and things settled down, we had to start getting used to a very different new “normal”. Our family has always been very tight knit, but this brought us even closer. We lost one member of our family, so we felt like we had to hold tighter to each other. For about a month or two after my dad died, we all slept in my mom’s room…one in her bed and the rest strewn all across her floor around her bed. I think we did not want my mom to be alone and we felt comfort being close to her… The hardest thing about my Dad’s death was seeing how it affected my mom. She tried to be strong for us and she did an amazing job. I still can’t even begin to comprehend the strength, faith, and courage it took to move forward as a now single mom with 5 teenagers. When my Dad died, it felt like a part of my Mom died with him. She was still amazing and strong, but she was never the same…how could you be after losing your “other half”? They had been married for 21 years and had planned to grow old together. All that was taken from my mom in an instant. At night, when she thought we were all asleep, I would hear her cry. I had never heard someone cry like that before, she cried like a part of her was missing. That was the hardest part of my Dad’s death…” As I sit and ponder what it must be like to lose a spouse, there is just silence. I cannot fathom all that must have crossed Sheryl’s mind and the decisions she knew she would now make alone. For Sydney, shock was all she could feel at first; coming to terms with her father’s sudden loss was a challenge. She relates, “My Dad was healthy, he was active, he was young (he died a few months before he turned 42) so it just didn’t make sense that he would die…. I did feel some anger that he was gone, that he wouldn't be there for any big events in my life. I felt shorted that I wouldn't get that relationship with my dad. But the anger didn't last
long. I felt so much love and comfort and support. I’ve always known I was loved by my family but seeing how far my “family” extended, my ward, my teachers, my friends, that was so powerful. I also relied heavily on my Heavenly Father, that was how I found peace and comfort through all of it. When we come to Christ with a broken heart, he will heal us. I took so much comfort in the gospel and knowing that I have an eternal family and will see my dad again. I have no doubt about that. That makes it easier, knowing that this separation is only temporary, even if it seems too long in this life”.
As a mom with five teenagers needing a sense of stability, Sheryl took it upon herself to give her children all that she could. “My mom was very good at making sure that we still gathered for family prayer and scripture study,” Sydney observes, “I think she knew that was more important now than ever to help us get through things. We also had amazing family and friends that continued to help us and reach out to us frequently. My mom also encouraged us to continue serving. Her thinking was to get us outside of ourselves; when you do that, you are able to focus on others instead of your problems/trials. For Christmas that year, we decided to do the twelve days of Christmas for a family we knew. We had a lot of fun doing it as a family helping out another family in need”. Serving others during a time of trial can be so freeing. The lessons that Sydney and her family members learned that year with their mother will certainly be something to continue building on. They were also served by so many in their community which allowed the pain and challenges of single parenthood to be gently eased. Sydney reflects, “My Mom also had to learn to accept help and rely on other people. Our family was not in a situation to support itself; my mom had worked a part-time job at our school. I don’t know the extent of who or how we were helped, but I know we had SO much help to keep us on our feet and for us kids to be able to do the things that we wanted to do”. Many people contributed financially to their family and helped keep them afloat as Sheryl found increased income. The love Sydney’s family members felt from this service cheered their hearts and lifted their spirits, giving them hope to continue on with joy.
As time passed, Sheryl began dating again. It was uncomfortable for her children, but they were also incredibly happy to see their mom smile again and fulfill a social need. Eventually, in 2012, she remarried. About three years later she wasn’t feeling well. She was fatigued a lot of the time and was experiencing bloating. Her doctor would tell her to eat healthier and to get more exercise, but nothing seemed to relieve her symptoms. After some persistence, they performed a CT scan on her and discovered a significant amount of fluid in her abdominal cavity. After running some tests, her doctor determined that she had peritoneal cancer. Sydney relates, “The cancer was pretty widespread throughout her abdomen, so they did a complete hysterectomy, removed her spleen, and removed some cancer from her stomach and her liver. After that surgery, they started her on chemotherapy. After a rough year of chemotherapy, she went in for her doctor’s appointment and her levels were back to normal. We thought we had made it through and she could begin recovery. But about two months later, she found out it was back. This time they would just be doing chemo therapy to prolong life, but it wasn’t curable”. At this point, it had been ten years since her husband Ben had passed away and Sydney was just 26.
Cancer was an enormous challenge. Sheryl lost all of her hair due to her chemotherapy treatments and some days were harder than others because of the pain and discomfort treatment caused. Sydney reports that through her challenges, she had a cheerful attitude, “…for about a week or so after each chemo treatment,
she would be completely wiped out, but she would still go to work and drive to Utah to see her kids and grandkids whenever she had the chance. I think she didn’t want her children to see her suffering and worry about her…I know it was harder on her body and mind than she let on. My mom had a lot of really hard trials throughout her life, so I think to her, this was another thing that she would get through and face with courage”. Sheryl’s children were spread out around the country and three of the five of them had families of their own. They weren’t able to go and be with their mom as frequently as they would have liked, but they visited as often as they could, spent time talking to each other on the phone, and fasted and prayed several times during their mother’s battle with cancer. Eventually, Sheryl’s passing was imminent, and all of her children traveled to Montana to be with her. Sheryl had the opportunity to choose to be in her home rather than the hospital where she could spend as much time with her children and grandchildren as possible. Sydney sent me her journal entry from the time she spent with her mom and I was incredibly impressed with how grateful she was about serving her mom’s every need. The perspective she and her siblings shared was truly inspiring, a faithful one that focused on life’s eternal nature.
Sydney wrote about one of the evenings she spent with her mom, “We spent Friday evening sitting around talking and Mom read from her legacy document that the hospital helped her put together. It was so nice to be able to just sit and listen to her memories and the things that were important in her life”. The next day things began to sink in and Sydney and her siblings realized the gravity of losing their mother. Sydney continued, “All of us kids gathered in Mom’s room on her bed and were able to talk things out. Mom had been pretty in and out of it, but at that moment she knew her children needed her and she was fully there. She talked to us about eternal families and read to us from 3 Nephi 13. She reminded us that God would take care of us. The next day was Mother’s Day. We had church at Mom’s house (they had permission to do sacrament at home). We had a little testimony ‘meeting’. It was a really cool opportunity to have that time with my family and to be able to feel the Spirit. All of the grandkids gave her little presents and sang a couple of songs for her. Mom said it was the best Mother’s Day ever”.
Over the next few weeks, Sydney spent so much time being her mother’s caretaker. I can’t help but feel that Sheryl must have felt incredibly blessed to have her daughter there and involved with her everyday needs. Sydney took care of helping her with medications throughout the day and cleaned the bucket that contained the contents from her mother’s Nasogastric tube she was intubated with. Sydney described one of her experiences caring for her mom, “One of the nights I checked on her in the bathroom and she had thrown up on the floor and was crying. It broke my heart to see my Mom like that. To see someone you love so much be that sick and in pain, there is no way to effectively describe it in words; it is heartbreaking. I helped her clean everything up and tried to comfort her as best as I could”. On another occasion, Sydney wrote, “While Mom was still lucid, she wanted to make sure she looked nice and ready to meet her Heavenly Father when the time came. She was able to get a haircut and then one of the days I painted her fingernails and toenails. I painted them with gel nail polish to make sure it stayed on a long time and that it wouldn’t chip. It was very special for me to be able to do that for Mom”. Sydney said she was “...able to spend some really precious time with Mom just sitting on her back porch. She told me that when she passed, she wanted all of her family to be there.
She also told us that she had seen Dad and he was just waiting for her with a big smile on his face. I would give anything to have been able to see that reunion. It brings me so much joy knowing Mom and Dad are back together again, for eternity. I look forward to the time when we’re all reunited again”. Sheryl passed on June 9, 2017.
Talking to Sydney about what life has been the last three years without either of her parents was difficult for me. It’s now part of her normal life, but thinking about all their family has gone through has given me a greater appreciation for life and the people in it. I’ve grown from the things she has shared. “We got to have that transition from where your parents stop just being parents and start being friends and you start to understand that they were imperfect people trying their best to figure things out,”
she says, “Your relationship with your parents and your understanding of your parents shift as you get older and start to experience some of the things they did, you gain a new appreciation for them and I’m grateful we got to have that with my Mom. I am sad that both of my parents will miss mine and my sister’s weddings, if we get married someday. If I have children, they will not have grandparents from my side.
They will know who they are and all about them, but they won’t have that grandparent/grandchild relationship. It’s hard not having my parents to help navigate through life. I have other really amazing people that I love and look up to, but nobody can ever replace your parents”. Sydney looks on her life with hope though, just as her mom did. She has the ability to focus on the present and is reminded of all of the other wonderful people she has supporting her. She also stays really close with her four siblings, “I try to call and talk to my siblings at least a few times a week and make sure I know what is going on in their lives. They are the only people that I know I can be 100% myself with and tell them absolutely everything with zero judgement. They really are my best friends..I think we have really drawn on each other’s strength to help us get through hard times. They are also the ones that understand what I’ve gone through, because they went through the same thing. They know the hurt and grief, it’s nice to have that kind of support and comfort”.
One message that Sydney shared throughout her conversation with me is that it’s OK to experience all of the emotions that come with grief. She relayed, “I once heard grief described as a series of waves and right after the loss, those waves seem constant and crashing, where you feel like you’re almost drowning. Over time, the waves become further and further apart. Sometimes they are small waves that will wash over you and sometimes there are big waves that still crash over you, but you learn to ride the waves and not fight them. My waves have gotten smaller and a lot less frequent, but every once in a while, a bigger wave still comes. When those moments come, I let myself just feel it… For me, it really helps just getting it out, rather than trying to push it aside or bottle it up. I also fully believe that there is no timeline for grief and it never truly goes away. I allow myself to still feel sad about it and miss them. Losing someone you love is not something you ever 'get over', it’s just something you learn to live with and it does become easier over time…For me, I never want to stop missing my parents…missing them means you still remember them. I firmly believe that my parents are still very much involved in my life and in my siblings’ lives, just not in a way that we can see”. She also advocated for involving outside help, like a therapist, when needed. Challenges shape us, regardless of what they are, into who we are now. I’m often reminded in doing these interviews that it’s how you choose to respond during these challenges that help us have a better, more hopeful view of life, or helps create a negative and bitter one. We cannot change what happens around us or what happens to us, but we can change how we perceive it. Sydney reflects on her own experiences, “No trial, no negative feeling lasts forever. Sometimes they seem to last for a very long time, but eventually things do change and get better. The hard part of grief felt like it lasted a long time, but I got through it and it did not last forever. That’s one thing that I always remind myself when things get hard, or I’m having a rough day is that this will not last forever”. With her self-reflection, she encourages others to seek the positive, “Through the death of both my parents, I was able to see how much love and support I have in my life and I never want to take that for granted. There were SO many people who helped me in different ways, and who continue to help me”.
It is obvious that her gratitude for others’ selfless service has made a deep impact on her life as she looks for ways to reach outside of herself and serve others. Sydney advises, “[This experience] has also made me more compassionate to those around me, you never know the struggles that those around you have gone through. We all face really tough challenges in our lives, so it’s important to be kind. I’m not perfect at this by any means, but I try to have that understanding and empathy for others... And my last piece of advice is one that my parents taught us growing up, is to get outside yourself and serve. There is nothing more rewarding and more unifying than serving those around you. I believe service helps put things into perspective and realize that you are not fighting a battle alone, everyone around you is also fighting their battle and we can help each other”.
I can see Ben and Sheryl's love reflected in their children's faces. I know they are so proud of the determination Sydney and her siblings have kept to continue the legacy of service their parents began. I am encouraged by the thought that beauty and love can grow even from the most challenging of experiences. Sydney allowed me to "walk with her" on a small part of her journey and in turn has lifted me and helped me gain momentum on my own.
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