Room For Doubt

A personal experience with the quote, "Stop increasing your doubts by rehearsing them with other doubters" (Russell M. Nelson, April 2021)

Can I give you a little peek behind my personal life curtain? For the past three years, I've really been considering adoption. I have a lot of doubts and fears surrounding the idea of bringing the stress of adoption into our home. I've been trying to work through these fears and move past them. I am an over thinker and tend to make things more difficult than maybe they ought to be. Ha! Recently, as I've been thinking about these fears, studying, and praying for help, a thought came into my mind. "Stop increasing your doubts by rehearsing them with other doubters" (President Russell M. Nelson, April 2021).

A light bulb went on. Sometimes, we might think of faith and doubt in terms of religion only, but the truth is, we have faith and doubt about all kinds of non-religious things and people every day. For any topic, I can easily hop on Google and search for problems that exist. To take it one step further, the beauty of internet searches allows me to catastrophize and seek out all the ways something can go wrong as well. I have certainly experienced this with adoption. There are an incredible amount of stories that share why adoption is wrong, people being dragged through the mud because others believe that the ability to adopt is evil, and how children ended up messed up because of it. Even one of my favorite TV series, This Is Us, has made me stop and question whether or not I can hack it as an adoptive parent.

Now, I won't say that discovering all of this material has been completely without value. It's important to be informed to be able to make a wise decision. After I've been informed though, there comes a point where I have to make a decision about what I've learned. Let me say, it is difficult for me not to feel my fears intensely. I tend to ruminate (hence the name of my blog) and I experience anxiety. If I go down the path that focuses on these terrible outcomes and, in essence, rehearse my doubts with other doubters, I will not adopt. For me, it is that simple. OR, I can focus on successful stories of adoption, build up my self confidence, rehearse my doubts with those who acted in faith, and choose to put my own faith into action. Another quote I stumbled across said, "‘You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you’" (President Boyd K. Packer quoting Elder Harold B. Lee, 1991).

For me, choosing not to adopt would be a much easier choice. We have a comfortable life as a family of four and I am used to the ins and outs of our daily schedule that will certainly be changed if we decide to adopt. The path of adoption is in darkness right now for me. I cannot see the end from the beginning and that makes me fearful. I don't know with 100% certainty that adoption is the right path for us. Will I consider myself a "lazy learner" or "lax disciple" if I choose not to go for it? Maybe those aren't the words I would use, but without taking those first few steps (and possibly more) of uncertainty into the darkness, I am sacrificing possible blessings and self-fulfillment for comfort and ease. The beauty of this life is that we hold the power to choose what is right for us. Thank you all for the faith filled examples you show me! Sending love!

~Chelsea