A note on addiction: Alcoholism is an intricately complex topic and is still not well understood by geneticists. Studies suggest that depending on the person, genes can make up about 45-65% of the liability in developing alcoholism. The remaining 55-35% is due to various environmental factors including: mental health conditions, personality, familial factors, including being raised by an alcoholic, age when alcohol consumption begins, low self-worth, and high levels of stress. Personal choice does have a large impact on becoming an alcoholic, but only before an individual begins drinking. Once someone has made the choice to drink, “personal choice has considerably less influence over whether they become an alcoholic compared to other factors”. ("Alcoholism Causes", n.d).
“Hi. I’m John and I’m an alcoholic. I have been sober 34 years 11 months. Most of the people I got sober with are already gone”. As his daughter, who is 31 at the time of this writing, I am immensely grateful for the life I was afforded because my dad sacrificed his alcoholism.
My father is quite literally the definition of a baby boomer. My grandfather came home from WWII in 1945, married my grandmother later that year and my father was born in 1948. My father’s father suffered from PTSD. Life as a soldier and POW did not serve him well. He struggled with alcoholism and was unable to function as a father. You can read an entire post on my grandfather here. Subsequently, he was gone all the time working or drinking. It was decades before my dad realized that this behavior was abandonment. My grandmother was unhappy most of the time. I’m sure she was scared about the relationship she had, or didn’t have rather, with her husband. She took out her anxiety and anger on my dad with whatever she could. Needless to say, my dad did not have a rosy childhood or even one that would set him
up for a successful future. He shared, “I had started drinking when I was in Jr High School, the summer I turned 13. I wanted to be cool and liked by the other kids and this was the easiest way for me. When I was this young, I had to depend on older kids to get something to drink but that was often enough... I think that the reason that I started drinking so much is that it took away the fear and insecurity that I lived with every day[He suffered depression, anxiety, and severe panic attacks for many years.]. The only time I felt ok was when I was high or drunk”.
Not long after he began drinking, at 15, he continued searching for other ways to escape his life circumstances and ran away from home. He was so desperate to leave that he sold his guitar and amp to have money to make it to New York. Selling these possessions was a painful sacrifice for what he believed would mean freedom. In New York City, he spent a few days on 42nd and Broadway near "Needle Park"; not a great place to be in 1963. Then, after travelling the span of the United States with an older kid, he hitched a ride with a tractor trailer to Santa Rosa. At this point, he'd been gone for weeks and was completely out of money and food. He had three silver dollars minted in 1800 (worth $985/piece today) in his pocket that he never planned on spending. But, he was hungry and without options so he used them on a bowl of green chili from a hole in the wall restaurant where no one spoke English. John had no idea what green chili was, he just knew that he liked chili. He says, "It was soooooo hot!" Penniless, he called his mom collect to ask for more money. Instead, she bought him a train ticket that would get him home. In total, when he returned home, he had been gone for three months. He remembers, “When I saw my friends again, I had become a real 'drug store cowboy'! Everyone thought I was really cool; I didn’t realize that only certain kind of people thought that what I did was cool”. Honestly, John thought the whole experience was scary, but he didn't want to let anyone know that. During his last year of high school, after an episode of drinking, he got into a fight with two guys. He recounts, “I kicked one [of them] in the face. He had glasses on and bled really bad. The problem was I had been in trouble so much and on probation that the court got tired of seeing me....” He spent roughly seven months in a forestry camp reform school after that incident. Though John’s relationship with his father was subpar, his father came to visit him every Sunday while he was there. John says, “I loved him for that”.
After his sentence at forestry camp, he did end up getting his GED and attended business school in Washington D.C., but his other life choices did not make a turn. “When I was 18 and was a salesman at Wards,” John says, “ I would sometimes drink with a 50-year-old man because he was an alcoholic and drank a lot. I didn’t know it but so was I. When I was 19, I could hardly get through the workday because I needed a drink so bad…Eventually I was associating with outlaws and doing some pretty bad things and hanging in some pretty bad places”. He had to move locations and was put on probation, but it didn’t seem to help. “In about 3 months, after living with some drug dealers…I got arrested for distribution of a controlled substance,” he recalls disappointedly. He ended up staying in the worst area of the jail. There were three murderers and the biggest drug dealers in the area on his block. The inmates were about 80% black and there was quite a bit of racial tension between inmates. “When I got there,” John remembers, “I shared a cell with a bank robber who ran a [prison] poker game and when he was acquitted (he was guilty), he turned the poker game over to me! That was a big deal because all the inmates played poker for money to use on cigarettes and other things so it was really serious...Made me kind of important. I ran the game for a few months”. Thankfully for him, his role as the poker gamekeeper saved him from being treated poorly by the other inmates. Though the time he spent in jail should have helped my father rehabilitate from his use of drugs and alcohol it did not. His drinking continued to get worse. “…I started turning up at detoxes so often that I knew the staff and they knew me. During a particularly long rehab I met a girl who was to become my wife”. Betty was married to my father for eight years and I give thanks often that they never had any children together. My dad shared that he feels sorry for Betty now, looking back. He says he could never go longer than three months without a drink and was not able to hold a job though he did make attempts to get one. He shares, “A typical stunt for me went like this. I had a great chance to get a super job as an outside salesman. I was preparing for my third interview, really just to meet people and get the offer. I had car trouble on the way and started drinking. Had to catch a plane the rest of the way and I made some comments about Cuba. They arrested me in Washington, held me for questions and let me go! I caught a cab from [Ronald Reagan Washington] National Airport to Baltimore after a stop at the bootleggers, and I arrived about 4 am drunk as a skunk! Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. I caught a cab in Baltimore and asked to go to Roanoke, Virginia, a 300+ mile trip. I had no money and was hoping that my tax return had come. Thank God it did so I could pay the driver. I asked [the driver] in to get some sleep before returning to Baltimore while Betty stood there in amazement. I was surprised and hurt when she finally had enough of me and left!”
Without the stability that Betty provided, my dad struggled to make ends meet for himself and continued to turn up in detoxes. He had spent most of his life as a couch hopper and didn't have many friends or family members he could turn to after this. After one particular stay in detox, he had no place to go and convinced a friend to help him come out to Denver. Only six months later he had already been drunk and robbed twice. “I wandered the streets for a few days and I was reached by Jesus, or that’s what I believe. This voice said I could keep dying or start living, but I couldn’t keep running from myself anymore. I asked around and went to Denver General Hospital and they gave me the name of a halfway house and there it began”. He walked three miles to a halfway house called Dipsa-Haven with a full bottle of vodka because he was scared to drink it and scared to throw it away. “I was afraid the manager wouldn’t let me stay, but he did and I gave the bottle to him…I had been on the streets for a while, so I was glad to be there. So here I was, 35 years old, no job, no home, no friends, and very little hope!” He was required to attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings while living there and suddenly he was interacting with all kinds of new people, many of which became lifelong friends. Retaining relationships was a huge step for my dad, one he'd wanted to take for years but couldn't because of the erratic behavior associated with his addiction. “I went rafting, hay rides, bowling and all kinds of things…I was actually socializing..[and I knew it wasn't] to take advantage of anyone. I was afraid and insecure about life but hopeful at the same time”. After about six weeks of sobriety, he found a job at a plumbing and heating warehouse, yet John continued to live at the halfway house. “I knew what I did on the streets and I didn’t ever want to be drunk again,” he explains, “I worked smart and got along with the bosses and got raises and promotions, until I was the Manager of the HVAC department”. This took him almost a year to complete, another significant accomplishment for him at this time in his life.
He felt like he was doing great and that the work he had put in through AA was enough, but he wasn't reading The Big Book (which contains the twelve steps) and he hadn't found a sponsor. About two years after he had gotten sober, he relapsed. Not long after, he had a trip to Jamaica scheduled with his boss and he was allowed to bring someone. He recounts, “To give you some idea of how I was doing, no one would go with me! I don’t know how hard I tried but I did ask a couple of people. I went to Jamaica and immediately got drunk. Spent my entire time there being drunk and hanging with a cab driver and a beautiful Jamaican lady. Never saw any of the tourist spots with all the beauty, just downtown!” When he attempted to get on the plane to return home, the pilot waved him off the Tarmac because he was too drunk and stayed for a couple of days in a hospital in Jamaica. After coming home and with the help of those in his AA group, he spent a few days detoxing. John says, “After I got sober in the hospital, I found myself afraid of alcohol for the first time in my life. I was afraid I could never get sober and I would end up like those empty eyed homeless men downtown and would never get well. I started reading the Big Book and working with closed mouthed friends in an effort to get as far away from drinking as I could. Turns out it was just one day at a time…”
Just six months after becoming sober he married my mother, Anita. Getting into a new relationship this early in your sobriety is not recommended, but my mother was pregnant with their first child and my sister, Shayla. Shayla was born with a host of complications, needed 24 hour care, and eventually passed away when she was just 6 ½ months old. This was an incredibly challenging time for him personally and in his relationship with my mom. John shares, “When Shayla was born, I was about 10 months sober. I didn’t know what to do for her. I didn’t know what to do for Anita. I didn’t know what to do for myself. I was really afraid I would drink again. I carried a pint of whiskey in my trunk in case I panicked or felt like I couldn’t go on. I didn’t have a strong relationship with God and all I knew was AA. I practically lived there”. My mom shared with me that he was gone so often that she thought he was cheating on her, but he wasn’t. He was striving to make a better life for himself and his new family. “The Club had an opening for the Board of Directors, and I was nominated and approved,” he recalls, “After a bit, I was appointed by the Board to be President. All of those people and times helped keep me sober for the next year. There were so many of those friends that came to support my wife and I when Shayla passed. One friend, Tim Mack was with us all the time. He would sleep in a chair and stay with us all night. He drove us to the Hospital when Shayla passed”. He had found a community that helped support my dad in his desire to stay sober. I am so so grateful for that.
My dad’s life didn’t get easier. Through the years he and my mom started and dissolved their own business, lost their first home, went through two miscarriages, raised two daughters, my dad suffered through lung cancer and survived!, and so much more. Some of my earliest memories are family events we attended that the AA club hosted. His youngest daughter, Moriah, became an addict as well and he struggled to accept her addiction. The most troubling thing for him was to see his daughter take on the life he knew would lead to misery. Eventually, she was able to find help through AA and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and has been sober for six years! Stay tuned for a post about her own story. Through everything, he has used the knowledge he gained in AA to remain sober and to keep his life on track. John observes, “I pause when agitated, acceptance is a huge answer to so many of my problems. I don’t think much about using addictive substances very often and if I do, I change the subject quickly. I don’t allow myself to dwell very long in that area. I trust in God a great deal to give me the strength to do the things I need to do". He has expressed that he feels as though God has spared his life many times when it should not have ended up that way. Perhaps one of the reasons he has been spared is to help other people get through their own challenges by sharing his powerful story. Currently, he is working on writing down his own story and he hopes to publish it one day.
Through his sobriety, my dad has been able to enjoy his life. He has been married to my mom for 34 years. They work together in real estate and have had opportunities to travel together as well. He maintains a good relationship with both of his daughters and his two grandchildren. He gives thanks, “I have a life that’s worth living where I obey the law, am honest, have love from my wife and family. I have and have had a host of friends, some of which have passed away. I’ve been able to have my Dad spend the last years of his life with our family. I got to know him better than ever before and so did his grandkids. I also got to help my Mom for her last few years…I’m learning how important family is! As I get older it seems I need them more and more. I’ve learned through these last decades that if I can stay close to God and do the best I can, I haven’t had to turn to alcohol…I know in AA we talk about a day at a time, but we didn’t create this idea. A spiritual giant said 2,000 years ago or so, ‘give us THIS DAY our daily bread’, and it has worked pretty well since that time”.
My dad has come to me at times and shared that he feels that maybe he was not involved enough in my life. As an adult, I am amazed at all my dad has been able to accomplish and maintain. He overcame hurdles that I pray I’ll never have to leap over. He gave me a bright future full of all the opportunities that he did not have as a child. He attended all kinds of my activities and I never felt unsupported. I knew that he would cheer me on for basically anything I wanted to go after, and he continues to do so. He taught me important things like, “You can’t always get what you want…”, the square root of 144, how to tell a good dad joke, my love for music, and to never trust a story that begins with “Me and the lads”. But he also indirectly taught me to be careful in my judgment because you just don’t know what someone has gone through. He taught me that second chances are important and that everyone needs them. He taught me that sometimes people need third, fourth, and fifth chances and that sometimes, people need to reach the bottom before they look up. He taught me to take time for my mental health. He taught me to look for the good in everyone and at the same time he taught me to be careful about who I keep close. He taught me to stay close to God and to take responsibility for my actions. He has taught me so many invaluable life lessons. So, although my dad is not perfect, he is my hero. Thank you, Dad. I love you!
"Alcoholism and Risk Factors". Addiction Center. https://www.addictioncenter.com/alcohol/alcoholism-causes-risk-factors/ Accessed 30 Nov. 2020.