Loving Parents

This month, I would have delivered my fifth baby. I am currently blessed with two beautiful children on earth and one son and two others that I've lost. I began drawing this when I was still unable to move far from my bed, shortly after my third miscarriage happened in April. I know that artists typically let their art speak for itself so if you are satisfied without an explanation then please stop reading now. I wanted to take a moment to explain what this piece means to me. And since I'm definitely not an artist, I can do that! Yay! I get to break the rules!

The man and woman in the center represent me and my husband, but they can represent any of you mothers or fathers that have gone through a similar loss. The baby the woman is holding simply represents the baby I most recently lost at 13 weeks. Many women have never seen their baby when they miscarry because they are too small to be seen or because the woman's body "repossesses" their frame. I have been fortunate enough to see the bodies of two of the babies I have lost, one of them being this most recent loss. I say fortunate because seeing those bodies made them more real to me. It was incredibly small, probably no bigger than my pinky finger. Though it was small, you could still see specific features: arms, legs, eyes, mouth, head, etc. It is difficult to describe the feelings you have when you see a human in such a small and unformed state, but those memories are sacred to me. The look as if we are giving our baby to God symbolizes the trust I place in my Heavenly Father's hands. I place trust in Him not just for this precious child's life but also in His all-knowing plan. Though we may not understand yet what it entails for us and for this baby, I put my trust in His hands and have faith that He knows what is best. Also, I like to be in control of my life. Everything about a miscarriage feels like it is completely out of your control. So, my desire to be more in control probably comes out through the depiction of me giving my child back to God, as if I had a choice.

The angels in the drawing are not coming to retrieve my baby and bring him to heaven; rather, they are those that helped lift and support me through this dark time, both here on Earth and beyond the veil. A challenge I have experienced with the after effects of miscarriage is needing love and support and at the same time not wanting the attention that love and support can sometimes bring. I liked the idea of how gentle and imperceptible yet swift these angels are in coming to this couple's aid. Sean and I are so appreciative of the care and concern we have received over the last few months and beyond. We are very fortunate to have people that share love and kindness even when they do not know how to respond.

The deep and hard change in colors represent the finality and abruptness of death. Death is harsh and unforgiving. There are many opportunities to be in denial with a miscarriage, especially because I've always discovered mine during ultrasound. It really feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. Yet, I depicted a sunrise/sunset because, if we allow them to, trials can also bring into our lives beauty we've never seen before. Some of the beauty we have been able to enjoy is a closer husband/wife relationship. Going through these trials together have helped us to lean on each other more than we have in the past. I've also experienced stronger gratitude for the things I have in my life. My perspective on the trials others go through has softened and I am more open to helping and lifting even when it is inconvenient in my own life. I also share a connection with other women that have lost children or who have not been able to become pregnant at all. There is an unspoken understanding between those that have suffered similar experiences. My relationship with my Heavenly Parents has also become stronger. I contemplate how Heavenly Mother must feel in certain circumstances and I appreciate her gentle and silent love. I am incredibly grateful for a Savior that understands deep pain. When I turn my burden over to Him, it becomes bearable. When I lift my eyes from the darkness to the One that is the Light, I see more clearly with renewed hope and energy. I believe that God has so much in store for each of us individually. Though I know I would feel such joy having my baby in my arms, I have to believe that God has a plan to bring me more exquisite joy than I have ever before known. When I try to imagine how I'd like to help my children through this life and amplify it on a godly scale, I know His love is endless and limitless. And it reaches out not just for me and this small babe, but for all of us and the struggles we endure.

Just as all birth stories are different depending on the baby and mom, every miscarriage is unique and the effects will vary greatly from miscarriage to miscarriage. That's why, even though I have experienced three miscarriages, I cannot fully understand what another woman is experiencing. For some women and with some miscarriages, things seem to be easier to get over. Other women will not be fully recovered months or even years after the fact. It is incredible how some women struggle through multiple miscarriages to bring more children into their home, but it will not work that way for others - despite the faith and courage they may try to attain to do so. Some women name their baby and remember him/her each year while others are not able to make such a connection. Some women are able to smile and congratulate other women who have babies while simultaneously experiencing heartbreak and other women will have a much more difficult time sharing happy thoughts for those that have the experiences they are hoping for. These are all appropriate responses especially when many do this from the silence of their own hearts.

For those wanting to support a mom with a loss, know that it's OK to sit in the awkwardness of grief. Optimistic comments are needed and have their place, but at first it's important for the mom and/or the couple to feel their grief is recognized. It's important not to move too quickly to a solution because grieving a child lost is very real and very painful. Those of us that have lost a child long to have that child in the world, they want to know how amazing they are, they want everyone else to know it too. Learning more about their experiences and feelings will help you know how to respond. Saying something like, "I'm sorry your baby can't be here", is healing and validating. You probably know more people than you think that have suffered miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility, or infancy loss. These experiences can be some of the most tender and sensitive moments a couple will ever experience.

To those that have struggled bringing a child into this world, my heart is with you. I'm sorry your baby can't be here with us. I'm sorry for the emotional turmoil you are going through or have gone through. You are not alone. I hope one day we will all have the joyful experience of bearing our children.