Racism in America

**It’s important to note before we begin that not every black individual has the same experiences. What your friend, neighbor, or family member has experienced will not be the same experiences as another of your friends, neighbors, or family members. That is why it is important to gain understanding from many different people to facilitate true understanding about how to move forward. Racism can certainly impassion people, and rightly so, about politics, movements, or people. However, my blog is not a place for arguments or contention. My blog is a place of learning, understanding, and growth. What you do with the things you learn is your business, but please remember that these people are my friends and their feelings should be treated with respect and care.**

Just over one month ago, a black man by the name of Ahmaud Arbery was tragically murdered because he was racially profiled and chased down in a white neighborhood. I was appalled, outraged, saddened, and felt other emotions I cannot fully describe. I did not feel qualified to really speak my mind about it because I have personally never experienced racism. A few days later, I watched a very personal video put out by Sterling K Brown (a favorite actor of mine) and it helped me to see his perspective. In my mind, I thought that if I heard more personal stories, then I could continue to understand and use that knowledge to act. So, though I didn’t feel qualified to put words to my thoughts and feelings, I felt like I HAD to do something. I reached out to my dear friends, Yahosh and Vanessa Bonner, and asked if they’d be willing to talk about their experiences with racism. They graciously agreed to do so.

My husband and I have known Yahosh and Vanessa for about 12 years, before any of us were married. Have you ever met someone who was good at just about everything? That is Yahosh. When I met him, he was playing basketball for my college team, he sang like a professional, and he always beat my husband at ping-pong…not an easy feat I might add. On top of that, he had an upbeat personality, tried to raise the spirits of those around him, and made friends very easily. He can still be found singing with his family, The Bonner Family, and has his own YouTube channel.

He is also the host of a TV show on BYUTV, enjoys acting, and still loves to play basketball. He is an athletic director at a private Christian school and loves the opportunity to be with youth and talk about God. Twelve years ago, my friends and I all knew Yahosh would be some sort of star one day! Vanessa, though not as outgoing as Yahosh, is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. Vanessa grew up in Haiti and was adopted when she was 13 and came to live in the States. She is a great friend and her talent of befriending others works in her favor with her degree in psychology. She works for the State of Utah currently and has worked at a behavioral hospital. She truly enjoys listening to people and helping them figure out their lives as well as being a voice for children who have unmet needs. Her hobbies include reading, cooking, listening to music, working with youth from her church, and hanging out with her kids. Yahosh and Vanessa have been married for 11 years and have three beautiful children. They try to center all of their decisions as a couple and family on Jesus Christ.

Personal Experiences

Yahosh and Vanessa sat down with me over a virtual conference on a weekend, their sweet children curious about our meeting. I’ll admit that I was nervous, I didn’t want to offend my friends, but it was a great conversation. It’s one I feel should be happening much more often than currently does. Our conversation was first directed to their personal experiences with race. Since Vanessa didn’t live in the United States until she was 13, she was not accustomed to what racism was. She says, “In Haiti there is a little bit of racism because there are some people born lighter than others”, which might also stem from classism, “but not something we had to deal with every day.” So, when she first went to a school in the States, she didn’t really understand why one boy in particular was treating her so poorly. Her husband passionately advocated for Vanessa, “This guy… She finally got her locker unlocked, Vanessa came here when she was 13, 14, so her English was broken, not great, she was learning her locker com, finally got it undone and then this guy that had been hazing her came over and just shut it. Took her backpack, emptied its contents in the trash, threw her backpack in the trash, and called her those names [racial slurs]”. During class he would look at her and give her the “cutthroat” signal. He was suspended for a quite a while after Vanessa’s friends stood up for her and told her that what he was doing wasn’t nice and it wasn’t OK. I’m thankful she had friends to help her and took a stand against the injustice she was facing at the time.

Some of her more recent experiences with racism are much more subtle. She voiced, “As time has gone on, you kind of get used to it. I used to work at a hospital and…you can tell that you get treated differently than everybody else. It made me wonder why – you come in and the way they talk to you, belittle you like you don’t know what you are talking about”. She talked about a time when she worked at a hospital and when things weren’t busy, staff could go and rest. Vanessa remembers lying down in a room on many occasions and a man would come in and just turn on the light. He wouldn’t have any other reason to be in there, he would just turn on the light and walk out. People could easily look at that and think that he was just teasing her or messing around, but he had never tried to have a conversation with her outside of work duties. In fact, he would tell her to be awake at 4am while the rest of the staff could sleep in until 5:30am. There was never any real reason for her to be awake at that time, but he always made sure she was up and available for work.

Yahosh, having grown up here his whole life, can recall more experiences with racism. His first experience with racism was at a middle school party. He had been invited to a friend’s house for a party. He remembered, “…a girl that liked me that I didn’t really like, started going around spreading rumors about me while I was talking to a girl that I did like. All of a sudden, someone smashed water on my head, someone threw Sprite in my face, and then some people called me some racial slurs. It was pretty vivid in my mind. I think that was one of the first times where it was like, blang, in my face, like wow I’m different.” Unfortunately, no one stood up for him or said anything, “I just felt betrayed and like I needed to get out of there. It was really hurtful, like, I don’t fit in, they really hate me. I’d heard the word and seen it in movies, but that was the first time someone said it to my face”. Years later, people at that party have apologized to Yahosh for what happened that night. Yahosh, being the man that he is, forgave them and has continued his friendship, warmly, with them.

Yahosh also recalled, “There was an instance when I was playing basketball, it was my sophomore year and we were playing against…team rivals…This kid hit a basket on me and was like, ‘How do you like that n-word? How do you like that? In your face, in your face! How do you like that n-word?’ And he just kept saying it and I was like, you’re talking to me? So, I start chasing him down the floor. And my coach called time out, my teammates grabbed me, and they subbed me out, and I was just so furious that he would do that, you know, in front of a large crowd. He ended up being the principal’s son at the other school and came the next day with his dad and apologized and my coaches weren’t really happy with that. And then, I got that same treatment the next year when I went down to their school, just from the crowd yelling that racial slur to me and my coaches just saying, you know, focus on the game, don’t even.., just focus on the game.” He went on to tell about times when he’s had names yelled at him and drinks thrown at him as he walked home from school. Yahosh's relationships were also halted because of racism, “In high school, I felt uncomfortable liking girls that weren’t African American or black because I would know how their parents would react. Some girls would say, you know if my parents knew we were friends, they would not be happy or if my grandma knew…she’s really racist. I dated a girl in college…but her parents weren’t happy about interracial relationships and so that ended quick”.

Yahosh says that it’s not always that blatant every day. There are less blatant or less intentional forms of racism that happen more frequently. He explained what kinds of experiences he goes through, “You walk in a store and you say hi and the person behind the register doesn’t say anything to you, but you go down an aisle and you see them looking at you and following you. Or, your friend will pay with a twenty dollar bill and you’ll go and pay and they didn’t check their twenty dollar bill, but they look at your twenty dollar bill”. And Vanessa chimed in with her own experience, “I remember once when I was paying for something and the guy in front of me swiped his card, paid for his thing and then he left. I only had my card because I just ran in to get something real quick. He’s like, I need to see your ID and I’m like, why do you need to see my ID? I just need to see your ID. I don’t have it on me. The guy just literally [swiped his card] and you didn’t need to see his ID. He was like, I just need to see your ID to the point where I just had to leave the thing!” Things happen so often that it has become a normal part of the Bonner's life, Vanessa continues, “You get these little things all the time you know where you get on the elevator and people scoot a little farther away from you and hold on a little tighter to their purse”. She talked about another time where she was putting things away in her car in the front of a Wal-Mart parking lot and someone parked near her stood at the entrance and continued to lock her door, letting Vanessa know that she was “watching her”. Now, at this point, there may be people that question if these things were done out of racism. Even if these people did not do the things they did out of racism, racial experiences have happened so often that Yahosh and Vanessa now feel the need to question whether these and other things are happening because of their race. That’s too often. Yahosh put it perfectly, “A lot of people feel like, for me to be racist, I have to intentionally do something, but a lot of people have racist tendencies and they don’t even know it. That’s where education or getting to know somebody is important.”

“Abraham Lincoln said, ‘I don’t like that man, I must get to know him better’. Get to know somebody and then your feelings change about them”.

Speaking about racist tendencies that are not intentional, Vanessa added that when she travels, people ask where is she is from, “...I’ll say Utah and people will say what are you doing in Utah? Black people don’t live in Utah. Or, people will say, you don’t sound black or you don’t act like black people. I think people think they are giving you a compliment but it’s not a compliment...” Though it may seem kind on the outside, it’s a blanket statement that says all black people must act, live, or talk in certain ways and it reveals a racial prejudice that needs to be minimized and eventually eradicated. Yahosh reminded, "Being black, we’re diverse on our own, we have Dominicans, Jamaicans, Puerto Ricans, people from Belize and Panama and 'black' is all kind of encompassing...We're not all from the same place. We all have different experiences".

Feelings About the Police

The Bonners also spoke about their experiences with the police. Yahosh relayed one experience he had in high school. During that time, there was a fad to decorate people’s rooms with confetti or balloons or write things on their windows. He and several of his friends were decorating a girl’s window and as they went to leave, a police car showed up. The police officer pulled out his gun and yelled to get down and Yahosh explains, “It wasn’t just me, it was me and several of my friends and I got down, but his gun was pointed at me. He was yelling and I was like I’m about to die, like this is it, this is it for me. I think he was just really energized, not calm, and I was scared, you know”. Yahosh was the only black male in the group, which begs the question of why this officer first pointed his weapon at him.

Aside from this experience, Yahosh was quick to say that the majority of his experiences with law enforcement have been amazing. They have had a rude police officer a time or two, but they understand that people have bad days. Vanessa sympathizes,

“It’s not that we can’t relate to them and we think all of them are bad, it’s just that we are a community and we see what’s being done to our people. We can’t just be silent because our experiences are great”.

Recently, Yahosh was asked to sing at the funeral of a local police officer and Yahosh was happy to do it. He remembers that he was the only person of color and it felt very uneasy on both ends until people realized that he was there to sing. Then, they welcomed him and his family very well. Yahosh recognized, “[There’s a sigh of relief] because they know it too, they know the history behind police and people of color. I think a lot of police officers try to overtly be nice and I appreciate that, it’s intentional…” and Vanessa finished, “I think it just goes to show you that they have fears too just like we do, you know, like you have to do things perfect and when they see a black person it’s like, ok what’s going to happen, what’s the interaction going to be like”. They both had the sentiment, “It would be nice to heal that relationship”.

After the recent death caused by a police officer that was absolutely not upholding the law, the black community mourned a life taken too soon. Not only do they mourn for George Floyd's life, but they mourn for the state that their community finds itself in and the many lives that have been lost because of racial injustice. I know how I've experienced it all, but I was curious to hear about how it has affected the Bonners. Vanessa shared that when you see things like Ahmaud’s death, it brings a lot of fear, “…it’s our reality, that could’ve been us”. One night, Yahosh wanted to go for a walk, it was a beautiful night, and he just wanted some air.

Yahosh says, “and that’s my freedom. I should be able to go for a walk and be ok”. Vanessa was concerned about his decision. They live in a white community and she felt anxious about him staying safe, even though they personally know most of their neighbors. Yahosh relayed, “She called my brother and my brother’s like hey man, just go home please”. The anxiety my friends feel about doing ordinary things because of the color of their skin is something I think we should be taking very seriously. This is a problem that we have the power to change and the change will help relieve many other problems. Vanessa continued, “We can live our life and not get on the internet…we could live our life pretending like it’s beautiful and nothing is wrong, but we do see it and every time we see it, it reminds you that this is America. You can’t just be chill. It’s a reminder that I am black, that could’ve been me, that could’ve been my husband…and how do you raise your kids in a world where they can just get shot because he’s walking and people feel threatened by him just by running, or he fits the description. It really messes with you. Emotionally draining and exhausting because you’re like, what the hey, that just happened for no reason, he was just running and you’re just watching it and as a black person it just takes you to a lot of emotional turmoil”. Vanessa, you have the love and support of so many. Together, we can create a better world for you and your family.

The Power of a Protest

As protests and riots have unfolded across the nation, opinions about both have circulated almost constantly. Vanessa shared, “…I don’t like that people are focusing on the rioting. I don’t like that people are saying, people are rioting, this is wrong, but they’re not speaking about what actually happened…" As a people, when we ignore the reason things are happening, we unintentionally make the problem worse. People desire to be heard and focusing on the riots of a few takes away from the peaceful message many others are trying to send. However, Vanessa doesn't think the violence and looting are acceptable and she talks about how so many of the businesses destroyed and/or looted are owned by black business owners. She vocalized that it goes counterintuitive to what the black community wants, “We want more black business, we want black people to take a bigger role and now to take that away…”, it takes away from the purpose of the protest. She encourages people to participate in protesting, to get loud, to make your voice heard, but not with violence and looting.

Yahosh’s feelings run a little bit deeper, “It’s like everyone says peaceful protest, but when Colin Kaepernick takes a knee, it’s he’s a son of a b-, disrespect, and on and on, and it’s like, that’s a peaceful protest! I don’t think Martin Luther King would have been as successful as he was without a Malcolm X extreme on the other end. These are things that people listen to. It’s not right to kill people or hurt other people’s businesses, it’s not right, but it seems like this is the cry and people are listening now. A lot of times when you are peaceful, you’re not heard and there’s not a change. Our religious leader, says [looting and destroying property] is not Ok, we denounce that, and I’m with that too, but I understand why and it actually is bringing results…I’m all about peaceful protest, I’m all about conversation and getting things moving that way, but I do acknowledge that when things start to get crazy the government tends to listen. So, the moral of the story is that we like peaceful protests! [Laughter] The focus is why? Why are these things happening? People get distracted from the why, people are even taking shots at my religion. I’m like, what does my religion have to do with what’s happening? Yes, there’s racism in my religion’s past, but guess what? There’s racism in Christianity and in this country. Let’s fix this issue first and then move on to the next one”. With all of the voiced opinions that seem to be pushed so hard, the animosity and emotions of it all can become too intense, Vanessa discussed, “…everything was just so heavy, everywhere you go on the internet, people you go to church with on Sunday or that you walk by in your neighborhood, they are acting so strong and I just have to take a break because it gets so loud on the internet. When you’re in the emotion of it all, you just want to fight everybody...You kind of just have to shut off all the noise and take a break from it because if not it just eats at you…”

Introspective

I have had the opportunity to discuss how trials have shaped individual lives on The Lonely Road. I asked Yahosh and Vanessa about the same thing. Although racism is not in any way to be accepted, it is an undeniable part of life for many. For Yahosh, his parents spent a lot of time emphasizing their strength and heritage. They gathered and sang Negro Spirituals and took time to be grateful for the opportunities their ancestors were strong enough to give them. “It’s forced me to look at myself and where I came from,” Yahosh introspectively declares, “to make sure I can find value and pride as a human being. I’ve heard people that don’t share my same heritage, but share my same skin color that are like, well I don’t descend from slaves and I was like what? You think you’re better than me because you didn’t come from slaves? But then I studied my heritage and I was so grateful for what my ancestors were able to overcome. I’m here because my ancestors were strong enough to survive that atrocity. And that strength? I draw on that. It lives in me and in my children. Only the strongest survived. And the survivors are my ancestors! I find so much pride in that and in this country because they helped build this country. They say this is a free country, but it’s not free!...My ancestors paid for it with their blood…I’m so grateful to be able to represent black men and black Christian men, Latter-Day Saints, and this country. I’m proud of who I am”. I am glad he has found pride in his heritage and in who he is today; he has every right to be! Yahosh’s parents were strong believers in educating their children about their history in this country and talked about racism with their spiritual beliefs in the foreground, “My parents always related it back to Christ”, Yahosh related, “and how Christ would react…when people spat on Him and beat Him. He forgave them; He loved them. That was something that my dad, especially, would talk to us about...keeping our composure because we didn’t have the luxury of acting out like everybody else, because we were different and we had to be in control of our emotions”. When I internalized this, tears were brought to my eyes as the love for my Savior surfaced and knowing that what He went through was wrong. I gained a deeper understanding for what these people are experiencing in their lives.

Now that Yahosh and Vanessa are parents, they are deciding what things they want to emphasize for their children. Earlier on the day of the interview, Yahosh and Vanessa had run their kids through some hypothetical situations with their children to help them understand what to do when approached by a police officer. Vanessa thinks it’s important to start her children young so that it becomes “second nature”. During one of the scenarios, their oldest son was twitching a bit, and Yahosh yelled to keep his hands up and Yahosh emphatically says, “and he kept his voice even and I was so proud of him. He’s ten years old, he can’t drive, but if he can keep his voice even and not confrontational, there’s a good chance that he’ll make it back”. As a mother, Vanessa emotes, “It’s sad that we have to teach them that, going through that I was emotional, but I have to keep it together…”. They also have a difficult time with certain aspects of parenting, “it’s hard because you are trying to teach them that your skin color shouldn’t limit you. You can do whatever you want to do, but you also have to understand that people are going to limit you…based on just looking at you”. Their children understand they are unique because their family takes a large interest in their heritage, celebrating Black History Month, and having discussions with friends. Vanessa says, “I think they notice the difference and I don’t think they understand that people may judge them because of it. They just know that they’re different and that’s a good thing and they are beautiful..." I want her children to always feel that they are beautiful and that they belong here. I want them to unabashedly voice their opinions and be taken seriously.

Act

I recently read an opinion online that suggested we should not ask our black friends about how to eradicate racism because it's a problem they didn't start. I completely agreed, but feel that working in unison on it could bring a power beyond what we've seen up to this point. However, I wanted to be respectful in my line of questioning, so I asked the Bonners how they felt about this opinion. Yahosh understood the sentiment and said, “but at the same time ask me, because if you ask me, I know you care! You’re open to conversation and that means so much…what Satan wants is for us to not to be one. We’re brothers and sisters and there’s so many beautiful relationships that could be had, but because of racism and prejudice, the walls are closed”. Vanessa added, “I’m all for asking because we can’t do it ourselves, we all live here, we all are in the same country trying to survive”.

So without further ado, some thoughts from the Bonners about how to eliminate racism. Vanessa and Yahosh agree that education is the MOST important thing you can do. Vanessa says, “It starts in the home. A new generation is coming up and pretty soon we won’t be the ones making decisions or speaking up. These kids will be the ones speaking up. Think about what your kids will ask you, what did you do in 2020 when all that change was happening because I think there is going to be a change. What was your part in that change? And I hope you can be like, I taught my kids…” She also talked about teaching your children about racial slurs and derogatory terms before someone else has a chance to teach your children about them in a negative way.

Yahosh added, “…teach them about different cultures. Books, what kind of books do you have your children reading, are they all about white people? What are they watching? What kind of conversations are you having? What kind of friends do you have? Do all of your friends look like you?” Vanessa joined, “When something comes on the TV, do you just brush off the conversation or do you have the uncomfortable conversations?” Yahosh agreed, “I like that you said that they’re uncomfortable because initially those conversations are uncomfortable, but then they get easier. You don’t want your kids to not ask questions. Diversify your friends. You have to be intentional. Racism is a lot of times unintentional. Be intentional about being anti-racist…” Yahosh also suggested to choose to do something more outside of educating your children. “Find out who your local leaders are and what their stances are and if they are going to do anything,” he encouraged, “Black people have been yelling that they haven’t been treated fairly for hundreds of years, but things don’t typically change unless white voices are also saying something. So, encourage your friends to be educated about these race issues and then get to know the people who are in power in your area and vote the people in that you believe are of high character”. Vanessa shared, “My friends are like, I don’t know what to do… I feel like I have to be anti-cop…we’re not asking you to pick a side…we’re not asking you to be against cops… we’re not asking you to even protest with us, we’re just asking that if you see something that’s wrong, that you speak up”.

And Yahosh and Vanessa are truly grateful for the people in their lives that have reached out in word and deed to them, and those that are trying to make a difference as they have learned new things. Yahosh talked about his experiences with his white friends since the recent events have occurred, “My love has grown so much for quite a few of my friends. I’m always posting stuff on social media, videos and talks, but now with all of this that’s happened and I’ve shared some of my experiences, the love, the outpouring of love has just been amazing! I look at these people and I’m like I love you, thank you for caring about me, for caring about people, for seeing me as your brother. Then there’s some that just blow my mind, like how are we friends, why would you say that about black people, it’s eye opening. I do feel differently about some of my friends and it’s..well I guess I need to get to know them better and they need to understand where I’m coming from,” circling back to the quote from Abraham Lincoln he shared earlier. Yahosh is so kind to continue looking for the things that will bring people together and using it to create change – even in an age that encourages people to forget their friends and family members who do not agree with them. This is something our world desperately needs more of! Though I am sad that not everyone can see his perspective, and I will work to help create more understanding, I applaud Yahosh for not turning his back on people that disagree! That takes effort! That encourages me to continue doing what I’m doing, to build stronger and more numerous bridges with all different people!

Vanessa had similar thoughts to share about her white friends. There are some that she chooses not to be around anymore because they are closed to conversation about racial issues. She says, “I feel like I’m not going to spend my energy trying to educate someone that doesn’t willingly want to change… If that’s who you are, that’s ok, I’m not going to try and change your views, I’m just not going to allow myself to be around it…” Aside from a couple of friends that have disappointed them, they recognize that there are many more people willing to learn. Vanessa continued, “My brother in law said slavery didn’t end because the slave asked his master, ‘Hey master will you let me go?’ and then he let him go, it’s because other races spoke up and said something. So, I welcome the allies. More white people are showing up, so even if someone was wrong about something two months ago and now their eyes are opening, I welcome that because that is the change we need to have”. Yahosh acted out a welcoming embrace. “As people of color, we need to accept that change of heart. We can’t do it by ourselves, we need people to come and help us”.

I asked Yahosh what he would say to other people that also experience racism . He responded, "I would say some people that have been racist towards me have become my friends. I would say to try to fight that knee jerk reaction to punch them in the face or cut them off completely. Have an open conversation about things they might be doing unintentionally...You will be surprised at people’s reactions, like I didn’t know that, I didn’t think about that, I apologize. Because sometimes they aren’t trying to offend you, it’s not even about you, it’s just the way they were programmed...I think a lot of my white friends are scared to talk about [racism], but black people want to have that conversation. If there’s gonna be change, we need to have that conversation. I want to be approachable; I want to answer any questions you have...I’ve had that conversation a lot recently [laughter] and it’s been emotionally draining at times, but it’s also been rewarding to see the paradigm shift and I’m like this is big, I feel like the world is, you know, we’re changing…”

“Love is key, love is so powerful and as we express that with people there is just more and more and more. You can’t give all your love away. The more you love people, the more capacity you have to love people, I think”.

Yahosh and Vanessa certainly exemplify how love grows as you continue to extend it to others. Their example brings hope that together we can bring justice, educate others about racial prejudices, and create multi-generational change. Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen so many of my friends declare that Black Lives Matter. And they do. They absolutely do. But I’m actually sad that we have to focus on that right now, because they do so much more than just matter! Black Lives Inspire, Black Lives Create, Black Lives Lift Others, Black Lives Heal, Black Lives are to be Celebrated, Black Lives Teach, Black Lives Love, Black Lives have Opinions that have Worth, Black Lives Lead, Black Lives Innovate, Black Lives Grow, Black Lives are Strong, Black Lives are Fathers, Black Lives are Mothers, Black Lives are Created in the Image of the Almighty God! Until we can all realize this, believe this, and help make it a reality for our black brothers and sisters and fellow Americans, will it really even matter that Black Lives Matter? Race should not be a political issue that divides us. Race transcends politics! This isn’t a matter of Republican or Democrat. This is a family matter! Politics are merely vehicles to help our family members, but our responsibility lies first with our brothers and sisters. We can do more. We can do more to celebrate black history, we can do more to listen to those around us, we can do more to talk about racism, we can do more to share stories – successes, trials, human experiences of black people, we can do more to stand up to injustice. We are all walking together on this road called life; my commitment is to learn and act upon the infinite ways that I can succor those that stand in need of my help.