Cortney is someone that I’ve always wanted to emulate in my life. She is down to earth, compassionate and giving, a great listener, and incredibly strong.
Cortney’s story is one that reminds me that no matter what I go through, it can always be worse. AND, that I can make the most of my trials. Cortney has been married to an equally amazing counterpart, Dean, for 20 years and they have three daughters together. She calls all three of her children miracle babies. Cortney has experienced severe health issues ranging from Placental Abruption to Hemiplegic Migraines to Major Depressive Disorder and more. Throughout these posts, I’m constantly surprised at what humans can endure and at their ability to learn from their experiences. Cortney's story is no exception.
Miracle Babies
As a new soon-to-be mom, pregnant with her first child, Cortney considered her first trimester normal. Soon after, at 23 weeks, she awoke startled one night soaking wet. She thought her water had broken and ran to the bathroom only to find out that she was hemorrhaging. She and her husband Dean quickly drove to the hospital. Doctors there performed an ultrasound and Cortney was able to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Soon after her parents arrived, she received a priesthood blessing (a special prayer meant for those that are sick or afflicted). Eventually a doctor came to discuss Cortney’s options with her. They wanted to prepare her for a C-section as the ultrasound showed that she had a 60% placental abruption. A placental abruption can deprive the baby of precious oxygen and nutrients and cause significant health issues in the mother. She was told that the soonest a baby could be delivered and have any chance of survival was 23 weeks. After some discussion, she decided to be transferred to another hospital with a NICU where they discovered the abruption was only at 25%. Cortney shares, “I know that the priesthood blessing that I had was what healed the abruption enough that Riley could stay in and not need to be delivered at that point in time”. She spent the next couple of weeks in the hospital as they monitored her and the baby. When she was discharged, she was given strict orders to stay in bed at all times except to use the bathroom or take a five-minute shower. Her mom came to help her with whatever needed to be done. Cortney had to go back several times to the hospital so they could stop contractions and she became well acquainted with the labor and delivery nurses there. Finally, when Cortney was 36 weeks along and considered full-term, her contractions stopped! Feeling the frustration of it all, Cortney says, “I was so done! I was also a very dumb 22 year- old. Because they had told me that Riley was allowed to come now, I decided that I didn’t need to be on bed rest anymore. So, I was up and moving furniture around. Everything that I hadn’t been able to do while I’d been down. It was a year or two later when I researched placental abruptions, that I realized that I could have hemorrhaged and killed Riley and myself with my stupidity. Riley was born on February 23, 2001, 2 weeks early at 7lbs. 13 oz…nothing was ever said about why I had an abruption. I had a healthy baby and didn’t care”.
Cortney went through similar processes with her next two pregnancies. Each pregnancy was plagued with an abruption and all the side effects that came along with it. The bleeding began early enough for these that Cortney believed for a short, terrifying amount of time that she would miscarry. When she was pregnant with Alexandra, the circumstances were not ideal for Cortney to be in and out of the hospital. Cortney explains, “Dean was on graves so he couldn’t take care of Riley, and I couldn’t really take care of her either, even though she was close to being 3. So, my mom took her; she lived with my mom for this pregnancy. This was the hardest thing...My mom didn't have a car, so on [Dean's] days off he would go get her to come
home [or the hospital] to see us…It was so hard on him: working graveyard shift, wife in a hospital downtown, daughter being raised by his mother-in-law. It sucked! We had Riley’s 3rd birthday in the hospital. I made him carry all her presents up to my floor (4th) including a bicycle, so I could see her open all of them. The only thing we couldn't do was candles
for her cake…So it was scary and lonely, and I felt like a failure. I missed out on so much of Riley’s life that year. I know she and my mom have a super special bond because of it, and it made it possible so that Alexandra could be here, but it was hard. Even just writing this makes me cry right now”. Cortney must have felt such tender emotion each day. She knew the payoff would be a good one – her baby in her arms, but the sacrifice it took to bring these babies into the world was immense.
As time approached for Alexandra to be born, Cortney remembers, “April 1st - April Fools Day - I woke up with contractions. I thought what a day for this… I was 35 weeks…[They] estimated that she was right at 5 lbs.[which was the weight they determined to allow the baby to be born], so I was gonna have an April Fools’ Baby. At one point the nurse checked me and I was dilated to a 6. She left the room and I had a huge contraction...dilated to a 10…and Alexandra’s heart rate plummeted. I never saw a room fill so quickly with doctors. I had a forceps delivery and didn’t have to push at all because they needed to get her out fast...When they put her on the scale you could hear them gasp; she was 6 lbs 12 oz to everyone’s amazement. Several people thought for sure I had to have been further along, but since I had been documented with all of the hospital stays and ultrasounds the doctors were like nope, she’s a 5-week preemie”.
When Alexandra was four months old, Cortney determined that she was experiencing post-partum depression. She says, “It probably should have been WAY obvious before then, but it wasn’t until I was actually planning my suicide and how I was going to take Riley with me that I thought to myself, this is not normal…Alexandra’s doctor had kept asking me at all her appointments how I was doing and I thought I was fine. But then I started planning on dying. Anything to get away from it all. I knew Riley couldn’t survive without me, so I knew she had to die with me. I was going to shoot both of us and leave a note telling Alexandra it was all her fault. That’s how bad it had gotten. I seriously probably should have been put in a mental health ward. Even though I felt all that, I didn’t want the girls to be taken away from me
because I loved them so I didn’t tell anyone that until years later...I told [the] doctor that I was pretty sure I had post-partum and that it was bad. He immediately called over to the mental health department and got me an appointment that day with a doctor over there…They put me on Prozac. Within two weeks I could feel a difference, and within a month I was a completely different person… Because of this, I’m such an advocate for moms to seek help for post-partum depression, especially new moms…And I’m a huge advocate for meds. I did end up stopping them but was put back on them years later and am on them now. I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent Episode”. Her realization of her own symptoms and her doctor’s swift action helped save many lives that day. Seeking help is a sign of real strength and courage. I think about the life of Alexandra and Dean had Cortney chosen suicide. Life would look much different for them now and much less enriched by the presence of Cortney and Riley, not to mention Scarlett, who would not have been born at all.
Because of all the trauma she experienced, Cortney decided that she never wanted to have another baby. Together, the Billings’ decided that one of them needed to have permanent birth control. Cortney recalls, “I decided to go to the temple to pray about it and see which of us should go under the knife…I ended up getting one of the strongest answers I’ve ever had. It almost felt as though I’d been slapped upside the face when it happened…We were supposed to have another baby. I did not want that answer. That was not the question I was even asking. I had to go back another time and ask again because I was sure that couldn’t have been what Heavenly Father really wanted of me. But it was”. The anxiety, confusion, and frustration they felt surely overpowered them and yet they proceeded with incredible faith! Cortney started hemorrhaging, this time at 12 weeks, and she thought to herself, “that maybe this was Heavenly Father’s plan all along. That He just wanted to see if I would do this horrible, hard thing that I had no desire to do…I asked for a priesthood blessing. In the blessing I was told that Heavenly Father never planned for this pregnancy to be a miscarriage - the exact words I had been speaking to myself and had not told anyone else, and that the baby would be born healthy. I knew Heavenly Father was speaking to me through these men and this baby was meant to be a part of our family and that He was going to help me through it all. It was so amazing”. Thankfully, Cortney was able to manage her symptoms well enough at home until the last day of school for Riley. Cortney then stayed at the hospital until Scarlett was born six weeks early.
The relief I imagine Cortney felt after her babies were born must have been overwhelming! To get up and get things done, make dinner, and leave the house would have felt like such a blessing. I can see why Cortney calls her children miracle babies! Each one had a unique path to enter the world and they each had help in arriving. When we lived around the corner from the Billings’, her daughters were so kind and sweet to my children. I learned a lot about how to be a mom just from spending time with Cortney and her girls. I know there are many others that have been blessed by time spent with Cortney, Riley, Alexandra, Scarlett, and Dean.
Not Your Average Migraine
For Cortney, her horrible pregnancies were just a piece of the total chronic illness she would face. Her problems seemed to overlap, which probably made them much more difficult to bear. Cortney reflects, “When Riley was 8 months old, I had my first migraine. I remember that I started with a minor headache that morning...All of a sudden, I started having trouble eating, my mouth was numb, my hand couldn’t grip the spoon. I panicked. My mom had a TIA (mini stroke) when she was 35, I was only 23 and I was so worried it was happening to me, especially when I tried to call the doctor’s office and the only thing that would come out was mumbo jumbo…I don’t remember what happened next…I think probably because the pain started. This was the worst pain I had ever experienced and would ever experience. Now when I’m asked my pain on the scale of 1-10, I have a 10 to compare it to...I ended up in the ER and then the hospital for a week as they tried to figure out what was wrong with me…only to be told at the end of the week that it was a migraine and to go home”. Cortney had two more migraines like this, and she went back to the ER for the same results. After these visits, she was diagnosed with hemiplegic migraines which can mimic the symptoms of a stroke. Cortney says, “I think it was during the third one that I asked Dean to kill me. The pain was that bad and I was so tired of hurting”. Her primary care doctor prescribed medication and it seemed to help lessen the migraines, but also created a host of side effects to deal with. They tried to uncover what would trigger them, but it seemed like normal triggers weren't affecting Cortney. One of the things they were able to identify as a trigger was mold. “We found out the apartment we were in had toxic mold,” Cortney remembers, “We just didn’t have the money to move. When we did move, I thought I was cured! I wasn’t having any of the hemiplegic migraines anymore. I was having headaches that would last 2-3 days at least 3-4 times a month...They still made me nauseous, I still couldn’t do anything but sleep in a dark room, I was still hurting...but because I could manage [sarcastic laughter] them with over-the-counter meds for the most part, that’s what I did”. Relief from the hemiplegic migraines lasted until Cortney was pregnant with Scarlett. Cortney sought answers, but continued to experience regular and hemiplegic migraines for the next nine years. Cortney explains, “I would categorize my migraines based on how many meds I needed to take to get through the pain. This was the pain scale: 4 ibuprofen, 4 ibuprofen with 2 Aleve, 1 Percocet, 2 Percocet. The hemiplegic were always 2 Percocet. The neurologist put me on Topamax as a preventative med. After I had been on that for a few months I was able to decrease the Percocet down to Vicodin and Dean would say that I went from having 2-3 bad weeks a month, to 2-3 good weeks a month”.
Once again, life for the Billings’ wasn’t what they hoped for or expected. They had to change plans frequently because the migraines did not follow a schedule. Cortney reflects, “I’ve had to learn to rely on others and rely on my Heavenly Father. I had no control over either [the migraines or the abruptions]. I’ve had to learn to give up what my idea of a perfect life is, or even what a scheduled week might look like. I’ve had to learn how to deal with disappointment, over missed weddings, missed concerts, missed graduations. I’ve had to learn how to delegate and how to prioritize”. Cortney
spoke quite a bit about how much guilt she has carried with her because of the side effects of her chronic illnesses that her family experiences. Dean has continued to be a source of strength for her and their children. Though they may not have had the "ideal" childhood, they have learned unique lessons that will hopefully carry them through their own trials. Cortney shares, “They are very compassionate to others with diseases or mental illness because of this. I feel like I’ve robbed them of a lot of their childhood...They haven’t been able to have friends over a lot…They avoid asking for things because they don’t want to be an added burden. And they always tell me I don’t have to go to their concerts or performances when I have a migraine or am in pain”. Despite the pain, Cortney has made attending their functions a priority. Oh, if every child were blessed to have such a devoted mom! Recently, after a hysterectomy, performed for other health issues, and with the benefits of the supplement CoQ10, her migraines have significantly decreased in severity and consistency. I cannot say how elated I am for Cortney and her newfound health! I know she must appreciate her ability to function on a much normal level.
Continued Trial and Added Strength
As had been a pattern in Cortney’s life, other health issues continued to wait in the wings. In 2018, Cortney went through severe complications related to Pelvic Congestion Syndrome (PSC) and Adenomyosis. Her life was turned upside down once again. She experienced excruciating pain if she was not laying in bed. Doctor after doctor were perplexed by her symptoms. They could give almost no relief to the suffering she endured. After nearly giving up, a doctor confidently diagnosed her, a hysterectomy was performed, and her symptoms were eliminated. During this time, her oldest daughter told Cortney and Dean that she wasn’t eating and believed she was anorexic. Their middle daughter was also experiencing very intense mental suffering and struggled with suicide. These stories are worth their own telling, but I mention them to show the added stress that Cortney was faced with. “I had to give up
control,” Cortney says of how she managed, “Complete control. There was nothing I could do. I had to let Dean take care of it. I also had to just let Heavenly Father have it all...It became a time of lots of prayer. I talked to Heavenly Father all the time. I gained an incredible relationship with Him and my Savior during this time. There was so much unknown going on and I had to trust in Them that They knew me and my family and knew what we needed to get past all of these things that were happening”. Can you imagine gaining an incredible relationship with God at such a trying time? It appeared the challenges would never end and now, she was dealing with the difficulty of watching her own children suffer! Others would have become hopeless, angry, bitter. It could be seen as a miracle that Cortney was able to have any faith in God at all! But day after day, though probably terrifying and painful, Cortney handed her control to God. Of her faith strengthening experience she says, “It would be hard to tell someone to have faith, especially if they have none to begin with. And my faith was not always where it is now! But that has been what has helped me the most: knowing my Heavenly Father loves me, being able to pray and feel his love and comfort, knowing my Savior knows what I’m going through. The best prayers I’ve had are the ones where I’m flat out honest with my Heavenly Father. If I’m mad, I tell Him. If I’m hurting, I tell Him. If I’m sad, I tell Him. I lay those burdens at His feet. The answers I’ve received are not always the answers I’ve wanted (No, Be patient, This is the reason why...), but I have always felt His love. And that love has made going through the struggles easier. It doesn’t erase them. I still have migraines and they still hurt, but I know I can make it through them. He’s there with me for it all and I have come to know it because of all of these struggles”.
After her experience with all of these trials, I remember Cortney posted one day about how her desire to help people had changed. She realized that she wanted to help people in some way and her heart was bursting with compassion and love. I loved her response to her trials. She had also benefited from friends around her that helped her through her difficult times, even though Cortney didn't always feel worthy to accept their help. That is what my whole blog is about!! We all have difficult things that happen to us. It all becomes so much more manageable when we feel the love of those around us. When we walk together, we feel lighter – even for just a few minutes. My question is this: Who do you know that is going through a trial that could use a text or a phone call, a hug, a meal, child care, or someone to observe their needs and help to fill them? You know someone, like Cortney, that could use these things! The payoff isn’t just marginal; the payoff can be huge and not just for the person helped, it’s huge for the helper too! Though it may be trite, I believe in you. I believe in us to make this world a place worth living in. If we don't work to make it that way, who will?
Blog Posts
I glossed over several of Cortney's experiences in this post. If you are interested in reading more from her own blog posts, you can follow their links below.
Temple Story and Beginning of Scarlett’s pregnancy - https://cortneysadventures.blogspot.com/2008/11/good-news-longest-post-ever.html
Priesthood Blessing for Scarlett’s pregnancy - https://cortneysadventures.blogspot.com/2008/12/pregnancy-update.html
Scarlett’s birth - https://cortneysadventures.blogspot.com/2009/06/our-newest-addition.html
PCS and Adenomyosis - https://cortneysadventures.blogspot.com/2018/12/7-months-of-pain-sadness-hope-and-faith_20.html
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