This was originally posted September 1, 2019 on a different blog host.
Just a few months ago my heart was warm with the feeling that soon there would be new baby coos, cute clothes, shared experiences, and the love and joy a new baby brings. Sadly, my life did not bring those experiences. My life abruptly began a new chapter when my baby died in utero at 17 weeks. Sept. 1st was my due date. Although my arms ache to hold the child they never will, my heart will always hold him close to me. While I am sad that today didn't meet my earlier expectation, I did want to share some unexpected blessings I have received in my life as a direct result of this event.
First, people from all different parts of my life reached out to me. Some of these people I talk to on a daily basis and others I haven't had a talking relationship with in years. Knowing these people wanted to reach out during such a difficult time helped me feel cared for even if I wasn't sure how to respond to their well-intentioned offerings. It has helped me realize that reaching out is important. Even if I feel there is nothing I can offer a grieving person, I believe reaching out to them could make a difference. I want to try harder to reach out to those around me.
The second is like unto the first: the people who truly care about you come out of the woodwork and actually care for you and your family. So many people have pitched in to help take care of my children, mourn with me, and have offered moral support while my family and I have learned how to manage our new normal. Thank you, thank you , thank you to all of you that raised my spirits. I have seen what 'ministering' is first hand and I strive to offer this same kind of support to all of those around me.
The third is like unto the second: helping others actually helps me feel better. I could just retreat into my dark, dark cave, eat all the sugar in the world, and cry until I fall asleep, and some days I did. However, it was the days that I looked for someone to help and looked for where I was needed that I felt the best. I felt like I was putting my sadness into action, that it had a purpose, and that purpose was to honor my son and ultimately to help others see the goodness that the world holds. There is so much goodness that happens each day on this planet and I want to be a part of that goodness. When you are struggling, look for someone to help. It makes the next second, minute, hour, day of your life bearable and the time passes quicker as you lift a burden rather than waiting for it to pass.
The fourth blessing I've received is that I better understand how I can be OK through the grief roller coaster. There are days that are way harder than I ever thought they would be and there are also days that are much easier than I ever thought they would be and both kinds of days are OK. It doesn't mean I am a bad person if I'm having a sad day, but it also doesn't mean that I am a bad person if I am not sad on a day that I feel like I should be sad. Grief is an important emotion that we go through when loss occurs in our life, but we don't have to let it ruin us. My grief, at times, has crushed me into nothing but a flat pool of depression. My grief has also shaped me into a more sympathetic person and allowed me to rise up and take action when I otherwise would not have been able to. It has made me wonder why I fear, what my next steps should be, and allowed me to ponder others who have been in similar situations.
Fifth, I better understand how my attitude plays a part in how my day will play out. If I approach the day with the attitude that life is unfair, I shouldn't have to go through this, and that I just want to be a hermit, my day tends to turn out sad and without much hope. Many of my days have ended this way. When I approach the day remembering that I have gifts to offer those around me, that I have lessons to learn and grow from, and that no matter what comes my way I can be in control of my response, I feel empowered; I feel ready to serve others and intent on moving forward.
Sixth, I feel just how important the life of my unborn child is. His life was no more or less important than any other healthy baby that is born. He had purpose, he had life, he had love.
Finally, I have remembered blessings that I have known were there all along. I have an amazing support system in my husband and children. Though they do not understand all that I am going through and can't always offer support in the way that I feel I need, they have never abandoned me. My husband has listened to me struggle through different aspects of this trial and when he's felt frustrated that there isn't anything he can take action on to help me feel better, he kindly just listens even more. I also have, just as you all do, a Heavenly Father that knows me and my trials more than anyone else. It may be hard for some of you to understand why I feel like He is blessing me through this trial because it seems cruel, but this is the way to becoming a better person. I have to experience hard things so that I can develop compassion, sympathy, patience, hope, love, understanding, and peace. Without my individualized trials, I could not reach the potential that I hope to one day reach. That is also why I feel that each of us are so important, regardless of race, gender, religion, nationality. We each have been led through a series of individualized challenges that will allow us to sow so much harmony and peace if we will just work together and put our differences aside.
To you, reading and wondering why this trial is something you need to go through, please keep sticking your neck out, please keep trying, please keep putting your best foot forward. You will become a better person for your efforts! To you, reading and thanking your lucky stars that you aren't going through a trial like this, I say with your gratitude, get prepared. You will go through something like this. No, you may not lose a baby. Your trial will be yours to bear and it will be hard and it will be a time of confusion and it may even include a loss of faith. You have the upper hand right now because you can build up the strength now to overcome the trials that will certainly befall you later. For me, that's daily prayer, scripture study, and application of the principles I find. It's in the acts of service I render and the feelings of peace and love that come from my Heavenly Father.
Don't lose your hope. Keep trying things that are scary. Know that you are worth it! You are worth the work it takes to overcome trials!
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